Friends and comrades,
I owe you an apology. I’ve been working and living among you all without being 100% forthcoming about my past and the harms I have caused. Because of this, I took away your opportunity and agency to form your own opinion and make your own decision about organizing with me or building interpersonal relationships with me. It was wrong of me to do so, and it’s not the first time I have tried to hide from being held accountable.
I am sorry for deceiving you, making choices to try to minimize my past harm, and in turn hurting you individually as well as harming the communities I am in.
This article is about me. Before hearing anything more from me, it is important for you to hear from them first: https://medium.com/@SLabusehelp/scott-lewis-what-lies-beneath-77648aa65ec4
There is much work for me to do for me to even attempt to repair the harms I’ve caused. I know that I cannot continue to repeat the same decisions and expect any change to occur.
I’m currently working off of the framework found here: https://transformharm.org/9-ways-to-be-accountable-when-youve-been-abusive/
1. Listen to the survivor(s)
This is something that I thought I had done, and convinced (lied to) myself that I had done, but truthfully never took it to heart. I had never: listened without becoming defensive, listened without trying to equivocate or make excuses, listened without minimizing or denying extent of the harm, or listened without trying to make myself the center of the story being told.
It was wrong for me to continue to act in a way of self-interest and self-preservation, when people who I had harmed chose to courageously act in a way to protect their communities and make resources available to protect others from the harmful behaviors I have had, and continue to have.
I did not start my part of holding myself accountable and begin the process to allow them more complete healing.
I was wrong, and it continued to cause harm.
2. Take responsibility for the abuse
No other person, entity, system, ailment, or power is responsible for the harm I have caused except for me. I caused the harm. I had the abusive behaviors. I made the decisions to hide from accountability of the original survivor group, as well as hide from accountability from those of you I have organized with, built relationships with, or even befriended on the Internet.
It is my goal for this post to actively change that pattern of behavior by posting these openly for everyone to see. By making this public and sending it to the people and communities I have harmed and misled, I hope to empower them to make their own decisions on how to protect their communities and not allow myself a place to hide from accountability.
The next step is “Accept that [my] reasons are not excuses,” and is work that I do have to work on, but based on the purpose of this letter, should not be part of this letter. It will be a conversation for later, for those of you who have read what the survivors have said and are able to have fully informed consent when it comes to engaging with me, and what work may follow in my accountability process.
While saying that you are sorry is often devalued based on its overuse or tactic to deflect, it is still important to apologize openly and take responsibility for the harm that was caused. It is not an end, but the first of many, many steps that are involved in healing and transformation. I am sorry for the harm that I have caused, and I understand that the work ahead of me will not be easy, but it is necessary work that allows for communities to be safer.
This post is not a conclusion, but the first small step to work at repairing harm and ongoing accountability for my actions. Securing an accountability group is something I’m currently working on so that this work can be done more effectively. I’ll be posting more as that time comes, with the lead of that group and the survivors, if they choose to participate.
